Why Big Brother?
by iluvaqt
Summary: Complete Vignette. Post 'She Ain’t Heavy'. Max reflects on past decisions and whether she would have chosen differently now that she knows the outcomes.


Why Big Brother?  
  
Disclaimer: Dark Angel is not mine. Plain English… I own nothing.  
  
Summary: For this short piece do you really need one? Well Max reflects on past decisions and makes wishes for the future. Post She Ain't Heavy.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Author's Notes: I can't believe it myself after weeks of nothing, I actually post something. I lost nerve in the end. I was considering foregoing the writing and suggesting this idea to Pari106, but my muse bit me and told me to get off my butt and write.  
  
  
  
I'm sitting up here, totally ignoring the cold. After awhile you don't feel it at all and believe me when you're as messed up as I am, you've got a whole lot more to worry about than just feeling cold.  
  
Six months to date almost I sent him away. I lied, let him believe I was a total stranger. I was so wrong. Right now when there are just so many questions I have, I have no one to ask. No one to answer me, tell me what I want to know. What I need to know. I never cared that he probably made things up just to keep me quiet. But it was something, something to momentarily kill the madness.  
  
"Do you think the stars are angels watching over us? Jhondie says they help the Blue Lady." One night back at Manticore, it was a cloudless sky filled with billions of colourful stars, it was rare to see so many and it was so beautiful.  
  
He looked at me with those crystal blue eyes, "Maxie, the stars are giant masses of gas and dust. Maybe some of them are planets but you know that."  
  
Sure I knew, but I wanted to hear it from him. We'd both taken the astronomy lessons, half our unit had to learn how to use the stars for tracking. But I'd asked him because I trust him more then I trusted our tutors, more then I trust even the Colonel. It didn't matter that his answer seemed so blunt and unfeeling he had an answer for me. I wonder if he knew that we had clones the same age as us, practically identical in every way, attitudes, characteristics. Would he have been as surprised as I had been at meeting his clone?  
  
Whenever I got myself in trouble, in more than I could handle he was there. There are more times then I care to count when Zack took the blunt for me. I haven't even done one thing to repay him yet.  
  
I tried to con myself into believing that by giving him a new identity, a new life as Adam Thompson, was what Zack always wanted. I know now, being honest with myself it couldn't be further from the truth. If he knew, if the real Zack was still around, he'd be angry with me. I know it. I'm not doing my job and there is no way that I'm even doing a comparative job to him. He knew how to look out for all of us and he'd know what to do now. Every second of the day we are face with two choices, each lead in different directions, both impacting our future. If you woke up knowing the harsh realities of your decisions every morning I'm sure you would probably choose to stay in bed. Unfortunately I don't have that option, if I stayed in one spot long enough White would have a field day.  
  
"I need you Zack. God knows I need you now." I whisper into the starry night sky. If I could change the past, undo things or maybe make different decisions, would I?  
  
I'd been the one to suggest taking down Manticore, I even brought Lydecker along for the ride. Going back I think I would have done exactly the same thing. On second thought maybe I should have brought more explosives and blown the whole place sky high. Renfro, the lab and everyone else, at least that would solve most of the problems I have now…  
  
If I'd had been conscious or even half the strength to do it, I would have taken the gun from Zack's fist and shot everyone in that room bar him. Yes I would do it, because now I know the sacrifice Zack made for me. Living the life I have now, knowing what he did for me, I wish I could have somehow prevented it. It wasn't worth it, not this, not for anything.  
  
When Zack got caught for me last year, I wouldn't have played that day out any different. I would have let Lydecker catch me before I willingly let Logan die. But maybe I could have tried to say awake at the hospital. I could have escaped the police and Zack wouldn't have had to turn himself in. But then who knows how it would have played out, I doubt Lydecker would have given up. He would have flushed Seattle worse then the sewers during the Superbowl.  
  
Now here's the crunch, the worst of the bunch. The biggest ultimatum I've ever had to face; big brother or first love. There should be a stronger word then just tough or impossible? No not impossible just inhuman. Then I'm not right? That's your argument anyway… probably mine too. I use it as a defence, I'd hate to be a full-fledged member of the human race. No offence my friends but humans are one freaked out, twisted group. Some scared of their own shadow, others so warped that they cooked us up. One decision I want to change, if I could take back that single moment I would. If Zack asked me again, "Do I know you?" You know what I'd say? "Yeah, I'm Max. Welcome back big brother."  
  
Because right now I could use a big brother. No hard feelings Joshua but no one can replace Zack. I'd be willing to take the risk too, Logan and I can't lose anything more. He's lost so much already and the gap between us doesn't seem so wide any more. I'm sure I'd be able to reach Zack, bring the right memories back. I don't care if he isn't exactly the same Zack I knew before, just so long as I have him back.  
  
The longer I sit here, the more I consider the option of going to find him. He deserves to know what he's up against. The world is turning on us. White is more likely to drop dead before he gives up on wiping out every living transgenic. I need to get to the rest of the X5s, only Zack knows where they all are. The more I think about it, the more I convince myself it's the only thing left to do.  
  
I mean why am I protecting all this transgenics I hardly know when my own family is still out there, exposed and totally in the dark on what they're up against.  
  
I know I'm trying to convince myself more then anything else. All arguments aside one thing remains constant. There is still this nagging fear that he'll never recall the right memories and all he'll want to do is eliminate Eye's Only.  
  
To kill Logan.  
  
And everything we've gone through because of Manticore, it'll be nothing compared to losing Logan. I couldn't deal with that. Not even if it meant I had Zack. Because I know, even with his feelings for me, the real Zack would have only wanted me to be happy.  
  
Selfish as it sounds, for that I wouldn't change anything. 


End file.
